Wednesday, October 03, 2007
.......I was SOLD by a MONSTER.......
Until now I still can’t believe that the person who once special to me, my soldier, my protector, my hero, and my friend became a living MONSTER from my nightmares.
What happened to me is really unusual to the real-life setting. I mean, I wouldn’t believe that this thing really exists not until it happened to me. Life gave me a blow-- unexpected blow.
As soon as the cursor first blinked in this sheet, I was already thinking what word is apt to describe everything. But I can’t find any DECENT word to use. Oh God Please give me.
I don’t want to drop names but you know who you are. I trusted you, believed in you, became stupid defending you. What have I done wrong to be treated like this? Tell me. I’m waiting for your explanation but all I can get to you is your lame “I got scared?” It was my LIFE and DIGNITY that we’re talking about here. Something bad could have happened to me. And what? You got scared? You’ve traded me to save your life? comm’on! Be true. For once, just be honest. I just need your HONEST explanation. You really wanted to have sex with her? It’s not about the blackmail, right? SHIT.
How would you explain what I read? “here’s the deal, I’ll tell you where she will go tonight so that you can catch her to that bar and we will have sex.”
“I have another plan, I’ll tell you where she lives”
“I’ll show you later where she lives”
“near ust”
“p noval street”
“her class is 11 am”.
EXPLAAAIIINNN!!!!!
Also include in your explanation your lies to me.
“bes, alam pla nila san ka nkatira e” “cnabi mo daw nung lasing ka”
“sabi last night, puta bes bnablakmail ako.”
I even called you and what did you say to me, “hindi ako ngsabi nun?” LIAR.
What is it? Barter trade? Am I that despicable to be traded to them? You’ve never seen her, not even once. She’s even a foreigner and she’s also offering you drugs. You know very well that they are untrustworthy and yet you’ve betrayed me! DAMMIT!
Am I unworthy to be protected and be cared for? Am I that evil to be exchanged to demons? I hate myself.
It was a traumatic experience for me, I tell you. I thought you’ve already done to me all the miserable things that I can think of, but you’ve upgraded yourself. I wasn’t expecting this from you. I am very disappointed. I cannot even get out of galle with a peaceful mind. I’m paranoid. It feels like there is someone waiting outside; asking me to join them and eventually find out that my friend put me in the market world.
You are mean! I’ve been true to you. Why have you forsaken me? SHOW YOURSELF TO ME AND EXPLAIN. As I’ve said, I don’t want us to end up like this.
What is in sex that you can even sell your so called friends?
Yes ladies and gentlemen, I was sold in exchange of sex.
* *Posted by rakelyvia at 3:35 PM
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Friday, August 24, 2007
.......i prayed. it came. i cried. after half a year--.......
"I promise na hanggang friends lang tayo (valid only until Feb 22, 2008)"Yes there's an expiry date. O well, who could predict what might happen in one year? Things may change. By that time, I hope we know na what we really wanted. Maybe we'll have our own lives to work on instead of just bugging each other. And maybe, if we cannot control circumstances that may come, we won't even reach the expiry date, right? But as long as the agreement exists and we can still take over things, we are both off limits. (this is from my archive dated FEBRUARY 24 2007-- http://www.rakelyvia.blogspot.com/2007_02_01_archive.html)
its been half a year since this stupid agreement happened, now what? a year really makes sense in realizing what you needed to realize. proving to yourself that you made the right decision. cherishing the good moments of the past has given me an exquisite feeling and made me strong enough to face the fact that what has been said and done, HAD been ALREADY said and done. no one can ever change it and return it to what iT USED to be.
so its been 6 months and a day since i recieved this text and we're in "casual-an" status lang. i mean, we're like the "hi-hello" friends lang. i bet, sooner or later we won't be hearing anything from each other na at all. but its ok. we were like that nman before we fooled around each other not really so surprising.
Going back to reality, i am happy seeing him finding someone who can he be serious about--no ka-plastikan. but i also feel sad whenever im hearing news (sometimes directly from him) that he's being miserable over some things. seriously. he's still my friend after all.
why can't we be both happy?
Life may be full of surprises. it really surprised me that i am now blogging about this and letting the madlang people, including by passers, to know what am i feeling and thinking right now about this issue.
i guess i'm right. things now changed. we have our own lives to mind instead of bugging each other and.... I KNOW NA WHAT I WANTED. (^_~)
so, WANTED: BF
ahahaha
* *Posted by rakelyvia at 1:35 PM
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Monday, August 20, 2007
.......Typhoon blisters.......
Whew. When was the last time I had my real entry? Hmmm.., I'll make kwento nlang since it's raining hard. hahaLast Sunday, we had our community immersion. It was supposedly a 3-day stay but since schedule won't permit us, ayun 2 days nlang. But its better noh. I mean, why w
ould you stay in the community for 3 days if you can finish all your activities in 2 days? Sayang isang araw. Yes, it sounds funny but that's how I value every minute now. 24 hours is not enough to finish writing a 150-page assessment in a logbook, doing drafts for your case study, drafts for case presentation, study 5 chapters for an 80-item quiz in pedia, read Iliad and Odyssey, and memorize Article III (Bill of Rights) with 22 sections. Imagine, how would I do that if we stayed in the community for 3 days?
Partners: Ycai and Balbee
Yeah japan japan with our foster parent (nanay fe)
Going back to the immersion, I think it went good. We had exceeded the target audience kahit na we were only given 2 hours to invite people. Anyways, the program was about dental and safe toys for kids.
By Monday afternoon, we were already in Manila. Tuesday, opening of sports fest and Nicole's swimming competition. We were required to attend the opening ceremony at Rizal stadium at
exactly 6 am. How can we possibly be in Rizal at exactly 6 am? Syempre dba pagod pagod pa kame from immersion. Grabe talga. In nursing, when they say it's required, they mean it. If you arrive there at 6:01, you're already late and that means you will get a grade of 5.0 for that day. Aside from getting a grade of 5.0, you will still make an incidental report on why you came late. If they think it's not valid, you will get re-admission slip from the office. No re-admission, no rotation. Meaning, if you're scheduled for a hospital duty and you haven't secured re-ad yet, you won't be able to have your duty and you will be given a grade of 5.0 immediately. No questions ask. Di kse uso make-up duty smen.Nicole's swimming competition: I was with Ieriz and Geh (yihhh true friends eheh). Of course, we cheered for Nicole. Although she didn't make it on her stroke, she at leased won silver and bronze for the relay. Congrats mare ^_^.
Technically, I haven't seen school for the entire week. I should be happy kse no classes. No classes = rest/more time for finishing requirements. Pero, I'm not. Wala pa kme natutunan and midterms exam will be on the 28th na. haaayyy. I miss school. I miss making pa-cute in study area (100 years). I miss Nescafe freeze that I believe made me super nerbyosa. and I miss my crushes. Yihhhh.. ahaha. In short, I really miss school.
**study area**I'm not really fond of the rain. It makes my life miserable. Baha sa P noval. Sa Espanya. Brown out. Kidlat. Waaaahhhh. Ayoko tlga.
Labels: ^typhoon EGAY^
* *Posted by rakelyvia at 5:45 PM
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Saturday, August 04, 2007
.......hanging out--depression stage (--.).......
Labels: guilly's and jaipur
* *Posted by rakelyvia at 9:46 PM
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Wednesday, May 16, 2007
.......pics pics nlang muna,,,.......
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kel, stef, nicole ^^loreland april 2, 2007
guys, meet my classmates :)
jas, stef, nicole, kel (nutrition lab...~yum yum~)
nutreeee labbb pdeeennn
its miguel and kel ^^
* *Posted by rakelyvia at 11:53 AM
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.......thoughts.......
i wanted to scream till i can get some reason just to stay home. i wanted to run to a place where no teachers could see me. damn. i hate summer class. i hate waking up every morning knowing id be in school in about an hour. give me a break!! im moving too fast that i almost missed important events.ive been invisible for weeks now. haaayyyy..
* *Posted by rakelyvia at 11:41 AM
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Thursday, April 05, 2007
.......On the brighter side.......
Everything has its own reason. A happening has its own reason. Me? I have my reasons--for changing, for splurging.
Last, oh I forgot the date but it was a Wednesday for sure, Nicole and I went to Eastwood after a sem of whirlpool events. We planned this for so long and we hoped that it would be just fine but it went the other way. It was 11pm when we arrived there. We had dinner first then planned which bar to hop in. When we were about to go in, first, my pants was not in a good mood. It keeps on falling, no exaggeration, falling. When I managed to do some miracles on it, my shoes gave up. GAVE UP! Shit! The only thing we have is one small safety pin! We were already planning crazy ways to get in to the taxi stand. Too many to mention but this one is where we agreed on the most possible--we're going to pretend we're drunk and we'll run with our bare feet. Haha. Anyways, God is so good we weren't able to face that humiliation. How? Sa amin na lang yun. *wink*
On the brighter side, maybe God really didn't want us to go. I mean, we're alone and helpless. There might be 'something' not good to happen. My shoes and pants just saved us from that. It could have been the most embarrassing moment we had and yet we really had fun. Test of friendship haha. Thanks mare, I wasn't able to say that to you but I really wanted thank you for that night. *hug hug*
I'm stuck home with nothing to do but read, watch, and sleep. My mom would not allow me to go somewhere unless I will show myself in the hospital. Yes, she would not allow me. Imagine, now that I'm 19 and all I'm experiencing to be somehow--grounded. So I have to make up stories just so she would allow me to go out. Why can't I just go to the hospital and be checked up? It's because they would do very invasive procedures on me and after studying those procedures last sem, I'm not ready to let them do that on me not even another simple ultra sound. Next, I'm not yet ready to know if I really have 'the disease'. Period.
On the brighter side, being at home brings relaxation to my lost sanity--again. I was overly stressed and super frazzled these passed months that I don't even know where to start my stories. Another thing is that I am enjoying every minute in my not-so-tidy room with Cesar my bear. I was able to kinda do some thinking and sort my mind.
I am losing weight though I'm not really on a diet. I'm not on a diet, not even exercising, not even staying late at night. My problem is that I always forget to eat. I mean, surely I'll eat if I would just remember to eat or if I would just feel hungry. Often times, I'm alone so no one is there to remind me. Ewan ko bakit ako ganito ngayon. Hmmmmm…. I'm a food lover and all. I don't want to call this 'eating disorder' because it's not. Tinamatamad lang talaga ako.
On the brighter side, i'm losing weight nga. Hahaha. Pero ayoko na, cause everybody's saying that I don't look good. Hmmmm....
On the brighter side of all of this, I am happy right now. No worries. Totally moved on and not affected. I’m kinda preoccupied that I can’t even make a serious explanation on someone that's demanding me one. (^_________^) Life is so good. I have my family, friends and I have Cesar. I think I have a good life. Plus, I am badly hoping na sana, eto na nga!! Haha panalo! (^__~)
* *Posted by rakelyvia at 4:03 PM
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Tuesday, March 20, 2007
.......im just waiting for an apology..i guess!?.......
"Throwing whatever things you would see, screaming at the top of your lungs, crying like there will be no tomorrow, kicking hard as if your treading under water, pretending like a moron just to get their, whomever is there, attention, name it! I've done those, and continuously doing it by chances. I can't help it. I'd tried hard to control it except it just resulted to some kind of a bad stipulation so I stopped attempting again. It's not really that bad as a cancerous one however it's like the feeling of fretfulness that a child is having if he can't have that special toy in the store, or the bad sensation of regrets, and uneasiness if you try to prevent crying when you don't feel anything but cry. It's like there is a bomb ticking inside your body and is ready to explode anytime. And the worst is, when I try to control having tantrums, I feel like I will be having a heart attack shortly.Nevertheless, the reason is not merely material things. Stress and discontentment are the main cause, I presume, since I easily go nuts and worried over something. Concentrating is the hardest thing for me. I cannot give due attention to one object or idea. And if things go out of my plans, I really get annoyed and obstinate. I don't know why or to whom or to what that's why I dont have any other outlet but to cry and scream. Throwing things as well as seeing those things fly and hit the wall, ceiling or other object, and finally striking the floor give me this fantastic pleasure. I picture them as worries, fears, and doubts flying away from me. Saying goodbye to my juvenile mind and feeling at ease again." (excerpts from http://rakelyvia.blogspot.com/2006_07_01_archive.html, TANTRUMS...sign of immaturity?, August 2006)
so i cried because i can't get what i wanted that time. things did go out of my way and it happened when i least expected it to happen.
anyways, im enjoying evry minute of being a masochist now. haha.. i did my part and now, i just need to be patient waiting for something that might happen. my doors are very much open *wink*..
and atleast, striking eyes are not pointing at me now.kay _-_-_-_-_ cla ngayon. hehehe ansama ko. i didnt expect it from her kse eh..
"Sometimes those oh-I'm-very-simple-and-I-don't-flirt-much-in-PUBLIC-because-its-against-my-principle-and-I-don't-want-others-thinking-that-I'm-that-kind-of-girl girls are the most successful flirts. They don't flirt in public but only God knows where. But they succeed. Sometimes I want to interview them and ask if how can they do that, flirting secretly with someone, and get some advices..." (excerpt from http://www.rakelyvia.blogspot.com, Here it goes, April 2006)
im good and fine na. ^___^ im just waiting for apology i guess!?..
* *Posted by rakelyvia at 6:47 PM
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